In previous posts in this series, I’ve alluded to some of the well-meaning but trite advice you can find on networking. “Always” do X, “never” do Y, “5 tips and tricks.” The truth is, in networking, as in life, there are very few hard and fast rules. However, one of those few “always,” is trying to be a better listener.
1. “Attention is the purest form of generosity” – Simone Weil
We’ve all experienced that awkward moment when we’re speaking and we realize someone is barely listening. Sometimes, they’re paying so little attention that we even lose our train of thought! Attention is like a beach ball being tossed back and forth: if someone drops their attention, the whole conversation can collapse.
Contrariwise, if someone is a good listener, it helps us think and speak well. In the fast-paced world of numbers and stats, we are encouraged to approach networking as a race: how can I achieve the largest number of connections in the shortest amount of time? But connection is not a race, it’s a dance. Attention coalesces or unfolds as a connection in time between two or more people.
2. Listening = Connecting
If listening is the purest form of generosity, then perhaps listening is the purest form of attention. In my own efforts to get better at listening, I’ve noticed that I’ll often remember more about what I said in a conversation than what they said. This isn’t great. It means you’re more in your head than in the new thing that’s occurring between the two of you. And it severely limits how much you can learn.
In Nietzsche’s Thus Spake Zarathustra there is a character who comes down off the mountain to speak to Zarathustra who is described as a giant ear with arms and legs. He is Nietzsche’s allegory for the student of life, akin to the old Buddhist idea that you learn better if your mouth is closed. You can learn a whole lot more if you listen more than you speak.
3. Strategies for Cleaner Listening Habits
In post #3 in this series, I wrote about how your job as a networker is to be a keen observer, a detective. It’s also your job to listen as well as you can. It sounds simple, but try reframing listening in your mind from time-that-is-passing-before-it’s-your-time-to-speak-again to time in which you can learn something new about the world, your industry, and/or the person you’re talking to. It’s also a way to garner respect.
Listening is connecting. If you find yourself assuming you know where someone is going with a thought, and have the urge to cut them off, practice breathing and letting them finish. Instead of immediately jumping in with a rejoinder, offer a brief recap of what they said. This ensures you did understand them correctly (a fact we should not assume!) and, on a meta-level, conveys you are paying attention.
Try listening with the intention of deeply understanding what the person is saying. Ask clarifying questions and watch the the conversation move in new and interesting directions.
4. Wrapping Up
Some of the most respected leaders in the world are introverts who listen well, take time to deliberate, and speak after others have spoken.
In her book, Quiet, which I referenced in post 3, Susan Cain talks about a very well-respected leader of a company. He listens to everyone else at every meeting, and only at the very end offers his thoughts and decisions. Everyone respects him deeply and looks forward to his thoughts. And, I would emphasize, they respect him in part because he listens well. If we’ve internalized it, we should fight the idea that we have to speak to get attention: speaking is not the only way to garner trust and respect (and sometimes does just the opposite!).
I wish you all the best on your listening journeys and hope these ideas are helpful for all of you learning the dance of genuine relationships through networking.
